She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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