but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
