i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
