I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
