All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
