Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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