I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
