I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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