we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
