$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
