I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
