I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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