I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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