Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
