A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
