theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
