youre lurking in front of me
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
