can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
