things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
