my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
