Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i drank out of a bidet.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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