You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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