and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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