Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
