you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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