I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
