i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize