4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Randomize
