today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
