tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
