I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
