I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
