he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I lost the right to judge tonight
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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