It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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