my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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