she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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