gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
