I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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