just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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