I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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