yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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