nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize