I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
