Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
