Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I need a burrito and a hug.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
