I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
