where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
