I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
