there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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