How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize