Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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