i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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