you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
