We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you traded sex for a burrito?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
