there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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